Happy Wednesday

I can't take it any more! I can't take it!!!! I can't live like this. For the love of God, please stop the hammering. STOP THE HAMMERING!!! Where is Marcus? He was supposed to be here. For Christ's sake, won't someone call Marcus! I have a bag full of nickles. I swear to God I'll swallow them if you don't call. I will throw this cat, I swear to God. What was that? Did you hear that? Was that Marcus or is Phillip having one of his fits? Phillip. The last time I tied his hand too tightly. Mother was not pleased with me. When Marcus gets here, show him where we keep the petroleum jelly. He was always a dry one. Was that him at the window. You're too good to me Valarie, really, you are. I have thrown the cat.

Isn't it stupid that humans cannot eat raw meat? We're omnivores for Pete's sake. We have thumbs! I should be able to eat anything that a badger can eat. There is a squirrel in my backyard that has been taunting me all day.

Little Miss Vomit

I find cottage cheese to be extremely disturbing. It has the exact texture, color and smell of baby vomit. What horrific cottage is this cheese being made in? I have read that it consists of cheese curd and un-drained whey. This brings up some provocative questions on the nursery rhyme "Little Miss Muffet". One such question being, why was she more frightened by a spider than by a bowl of baby vomit? In conclusion, cottage cheese is really nasty, yet, not as nasty Miracle Whip ( there is nothing miraculous about it).

I am not an attractive person. But at least I have all my teeth.

Grab It By The Horn

I've been spending quite a bit of time online this week. Its strange, 72.35 trillion people are on the internet at a given time, but the more I'm on, the more isolated I feel. According to the website, I have 376 friends, yet not one of them is available to go see Spy Kids 7 with me today (answer your phones people)! An elderly man left a very disturbing comment on my profile last night. Not to worry, I am meeting up with him later and I intend to give him a piece of my mind! I recently entered a bidding-war on eBaywith a Scotsman. He and I are battling over the last remaining thoroughbred Argentinian unicorn. He is in the lead with 72.35 thousand Rubles and it seems as though he will win. I wish I could be there to see the look on that poor bastard's face when he realizes that there's no such thing as a thoroughbred Argentinian Unicorn! Fool! If he didn't have haggis for brains he would know that: A. The humidity of Argentina's climate would destroy its natural flaxen coat and B. It is impossible for a unicorn to be thoroughbred, they are a hybrid of a Clydesdale and a narwhal. The poor sucker got taken and will probably receive some common Welsh unicorn. The more I stare at this bright color screen, the more I feel as though I am staring into the dark soul of man kind.

I keep hearing fireworks, and think its thunder. So I run out of my inflatable pool to avoid electrocution. Once I'm safe and dry in my house I realize its just fireworks (what dumbass set off fireworks in the afternoon?) Then last night there was a thunderstorm and I slept in the inflatable pool.

Steaming Pile of wisdom

Whenever life sucks, don't fret. Try taking a crap. It always makes me feel better!!!

The Champion

I've spent most of this week babysitting my little brother. At first I kept my distance, only pausing to feed him spoonfuls Crisco when he was hungry (kids love the stuff when you sprinkle it with sugar). As the week progressed we spent more and more time together. We played at the park, on the beach, in the alley between the liquor store and Sunset Tan. All this quality time with my brother reminded me of my own childhood. Though it been years, I was still pleased to find that I could kick a 3rd grader's ass at tether ball. Something that few people know about me is that I was my elementary school's tether ball champion. I could still feel the familiar tingle of pride as I lobbed that beautiful yellow ball high above his head. There is nothing more gratifying than the look of shame and disappointment in that little boy's face. Some of you may call me petty for trying to beat a child at tether ball. I ask you this, is it such a crime that I groom him to be a winner like me. In conclusion, I could kick your ass at tether ball.