Attila's Requiem


When Andrew had his tonsil removed

The doctors let him eat as much orange sherbet as he wanted

so he wouldn’t cough up blood.

Mom says you went to the Hamster Hospital

even though hamsters don’t have tonsils and don’t eat orange sherbet
When I got back from camp
 you were gone

Nothing but pellets of poo littering the cage

When I left, the cedar chips were clean
smelling fresh and sharp
 with you, nuzzled in the toilet paper tube

napping?

you didn’t stir when I said goodbye
You’ve always been ungrateful

Rolling your pink hamster ball away from me

Tease!!! 
Stupid too!

So you figured out how to climb out of your cage!?

A raccoon could do that! Even a rabid one!

Only a foolish hamster would eat 8 birthday candles

but what can you expect from an animal that eats its own poo

Gluttony is a sin, Attila, 
they don’t want your kind in hamster heaven
I’ve moved on

did you expect me to wait for you?

she is lilly white, warm
her velvety ears flop over her good eye

I don’t want another hamster, Attila!
Marcus says you died cause’
I didn’t love you

was too scared to hold you

I couldn’t if I wanted

Allergies
(it wasn’t pink eye, like I told you that one time)

If you came back now
I would hold you until my eyes crusted over

until my nose dripped, like your neglected water bottle

until my lungs filled with love

When I got back from camp 
you were gone

along with a tin of Altoids, 2 pennies, half a pencil, a bottle of White Out, 

and 8 birthday candles

You have left me with nothing

nothing but a blind white rabbit, 16 birthday candles
 and an empty hamster cage


I am not mad that you ate the candles

I bought them for you

8 months old 
you were always so smart

Do they have orange sherbet in hamster heaven?

I bet you could eat it
 if you really wanted to

I don’t want another hamster, Atilla

Better Than Ranch

Kelly,

Why did you lock the back door yesterday afternoon? I assume you were taking a nap. I let myself in through the basement (you really should lock that door, anyone could get in!). The usual fried egg sandwiches were prepared, followed by 45 minutes of Groundhog's Day. After dusting the ceiling fans, I proceeded to take a quick nap (don't worry I remade your mother's bed). Finally I caught the 16 back to school, but not before grabbing a small container of your dill butter-milk dipping sauce. There was nothing to dip in it so I borrowed a handful of baby-carrots from Rosemary.

Ps. I may have left the kitchen window open. The room was developing a strange musk.

Happy Wednesday

I can't take it any more! I can't take it!!!! I can't live like this. For the love of God, please stop the hammering. STOP THE HAMMERING!!! Where is Marcus? He was supposed to be here. For Christ's sake, won't someone call Marcus! I have a bag full of nickles. I swear to God I'll swallow them if you don't call. I will throw this cat, I swear to God. What was that? Did you hear that? Was that Marcus or is Phillip having one of his fits? Phillip. The last time I tied his hand too tightly. Mother was not pleased with me. When Marcus gets here, show him where we keep the petroleum jelly. He was always a dry one. Was that him at the window. You're too good to me Valarie, really, you are. I have thrown the cat.

Isn't it stupid that humans cannot eat raw meat? We're omnivores for Pete's sake. We have thumbs! I should be able to eat anything that a badger can eat. There is a squirrel in my backyard that has been taunting me all day.

Little Miss Vomit

I find cottage cheese to be extremely disturbing. It has the exact texture, color and smell of baby vomit. What horrific cottage is this cheese being made in? I have read that it consists of cheese curd and un-drained whey. This brings up some provocative questions on the nursery rhyme "Little Miss Muffet". One such question being, why was she more frightened by a spider than by a bowl of baby vomit? In conclusion, cottage cheese is really nasty, yet, not as nasty Miracle Whip ( there is nothing miraculous about it).

I am not an attractive person. But at least I have all my teeth.

Grab It By The Horn

I've been spending quite a bit of time online this week. Its strange, 72.35 trillion people are on the internet at a given time, but the more I'm on, the more isolated I feel. According to the website, I have 376 friends, yet not one of them is available to go see Spy Kids 7 with me today (answer your phones people)! An elderly man left a very disturbing comment on my profile last night. Not to worry, I am meeting up with him later and I intend to give him a piece of my mind! I recently entered a bidding-war on eBaywith a Scotsman. He and I are battling over the last remaining thoroughbred Argentinian unicorn. He is in the lead with 72.35 thousand Rubles and it seems as though he will win. I wish I could be there to see the look on that poor bastard's face when he realizes that there's no such thing as a thoroughbred Argentinian Unicorn! Fool! If he didn't have haggis for brains he would know that: A. The humidity of Argentina's climate would destroy its natural flaxen coat and B. It is impossible for a unicorn to be thoroughbred, they are a hybrid of a Clydesdale and a narwhal. The poor sucker got taken and will probably receive some common Welsh unicorn. The more I stare at this bright color screen, the more I feel as though I am staring into the dark soul of man kind.